A single chance to redeem myself for everything...

The movie "What Dreams May Come" has always placed that notion in my head...

The part when the wife has lost her husband, and both her kids to car accidents, so she kills herself and goes to hell. But no traditional hell..her own personal hell. She committed suicide, and suicides are destined to live over their torment over and over and they will never know what happened. I can't help but feel that's me. My whole life has been filled with deja-vu and odd coincidences that have lead me to think this. I know it sounds crazy and maybe it is, but I just can't help but think this way.

What if I am already in hell? What if I'm living over my life the same way until the moment I die? I'd say it's a fitting punishment, but what did I do? Don't I get some chance at redemption?

There are signs, "omens", if you want to call them that have been literally driving me insane. I have constant thoughts and memories of things that I haven't done yet, but I end up doing them. When I was 10 or so, I used to have thoughts that I'd end up in seeing a psychiatrist, and sure enough it happened. I remember a time when I thought I was going to end up in a psychiatric ward and sure enough, when I get home that's where my doctor wants to send me. There have been other strange things like the deja-vu that bother me. It happens frequently. Something will spark a thought "have I done this before? It seems too familiar for it to be happening again. I swear this has happened before."

And it never ends. I really think I'm losing my mind. And I don't think it's something new. I'm pretty sure I've been losing myself for a long time now...