A single chance to redeem myself for everything...

Apathetic. That's the only word that I can think of myself right now. Maybe even lackadaisical, but that sounds too cheery.

I've been smoking a lot of salvia and pot lately. I am living a double life (quadruple life if you've read about me) everyday now...I am one person when I go to class and put on a mask just to deal with that, and then I turn around and waste my life away with drugs, day after day, week after week and I just don't care anymore. I really don't see myself as having a future, but I don't seem to care enough anymore to do anything about it. I'm not going anywhere productive.

I feel that I have an unhealthy obsession with halloween. It's the one time of the year where I can wear another mask that completely masks the other masks. It's like uber-mask. I'm someone entirely different with absolutely no connections to anything around me. If only I could wear uber-mask all the time.

I feel disconnected to everything around me. It's getting worse. I'm getting to the point where I'd rather fantasize about my day than actually get up and face the day. All I have to do is get through this semester then I can find the time to meet with a psychiatrist....but I still have that lingering feeling that it won't work out again and I'll live through 20 more years of regret and pain or end up in a mental ward. This is depressing me, so I'll stop for today.

Dear Azhur, I live in the EST zone and it's getting late for me. If you want to catch me, I'll be on nov 5 at 1:00amEST.