A single chance to redeem myself for everything...

If I had to describe myself as another organism I would definitely be a virus. When I think about all the people I've met in life and the ways I've influenced them...I'm just like a virus. I took a small part of me and placed it in everyone else and now they are just as fucked as I am. No I am not talking about AIDS or some STD. Since my life is so corrupted somehow I've naturally managed to corrupt the lives of everyone else around me. I don't even know how it all got started, but as long as I can remember, I'm the one that's usually in the middle of chaos. I started smoking first, then managed to influence four of my friends to smoke. Two of them to smoke pot. I've managed to break up a potential marriage. I've had five run-ins with the police, yet to be arrested/ticketed, but I'm sure I'm gambling on the next time. I've already had to see a shrink when my family thought I was gay, that ended up with me taking pills for no goddamn reason. I'm addicted to sleeping pills and depressants. I've managed to get two other people hooked on Salvia. The list goes on and on.....I'm so ashamed. I'm such a constant disappoint to my family, who wastes money on me to make me happy, but in the end I'm never happy.

And to make things worse, when I finally take the leap for help, it's only going to make things worse.  Because then everyone will learn the truth, and the truth hurts. It's going to stab a wound so deep into most people who know me it's pretty much going to be the single most traumatizing event of my life, that is if I even survive it. Just thinking about it now is enough to make me sick again...

I need to be vaccinated from myself.