I can't understand why some people choose to cut their wrists or thighs with blades. I know the same pain, but tend to hold it all inside until it get's filed way and forgotten in my brain's database. Although I do think I have self-destructive tendencies....

Whenever I get nervous or anxious I usually pick at the skin at the outside corners of my thumbs. I think I will show you a picture if this sounds too confusing.

I just start picking at the skin grows in the corner by the nail and then I rip it out until it bleeds. The saddest part is that I have scar tissue in that area from so many years of doing this unconciously that I don't even feel it when it's bleeding. I have to be careful that I'm not bleeding all over my thumb...

I also tend to chew on the inside of my cheeks. I dont' know why, but I catch myself doing it all the time. I'm always so afraid when I go for a teeth cleaning or something that they will say something about it. I looked inside my mouth once and saw that I am really chewing my own flesh on the inside of my mouth, sometimes it bleeds other times it's just sore for a couple days. My mother always used to yell at me to stop when I was younger, as far as she knows I don't do it anymore....

I guess this is my method of dealing with the stress...usually I smoke or take some drugs. I do also have an addiction to sleeping pills. Usually I buy them in bulk or the 240 count bottles. That's the only time I really feel happy is when I'm dreaming. I haven't had a dream without the sleeping pills for about 8 years. So I just keep taking them night after night. I also use Ambiens and Endocets, sometimes Benadryl pills if I have them...I've also been known to take some rum with the sleeping pills if it's a really really bad day.

Believe you me I'm not proud of this. Everyone has their own ways to deal with it all, mine is incredibly destructive but I've been doing it for so long It just seems the norm.

As sad as this will sound I also need to confess this. When was only 13 and found out the cause of all my problems I envisioned myself as an adult eventually going into rehab or needing psychiatric care. And here I am an adult and I've already had to see a psychiatrist. Although I lied to her about everything as stated in my previous posts, I can see myself eventually having the crash of all crashes and needed to check myself in to a rehab center. I'm also crying as I post this.

This is my life everyday. These thoughts haunt me every moment, every thought of the day.