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A single chance to redeem myself for everything...
Once a druggie, always a druggie. Failure at it's best.
collegeI never created this blog for people to pity me. I created it as a last chance to redeem myself for everything I've ever done or will do in the future. I am a drug addict, among many other problems.
I failed to meet with the psychiatrist due to various reasons, some of which I am not to blame and some because I am to blame. I told my parents I had a haircut at 9am and that I would be back around 12pm because I was going to buy some clothes for the wedding later that day. All the while I was planning on meeting with the psychiatrist at 10am right after my haircut. Well that's not what happened. My mother wanted to come along and spend some time with me, because as she puts it: "I hardly get to see you, when you are away at school" so she was along for the ride. So basically I had to skip the appointment. I email the psychiatrist that night and explained what happened, and she agreed to meet with me the next day.
On sunday I was up and ready to go to the psychiatrist (telling my parents I was going to visit some people at my work) but they had to use both cars that day for church or something, while our other car was currently in the shop. So I had no way of getting there....once again I failed.
I emailed her again and explained that there is no way I will ever be able to meet with here, not now at least. I also felt a little sigh of relief though...subconsciously I knew I didn't want to go.
I have also been smoking a lot of Salvia the past few weeks. It's simply amazing. It's cheaper than pot and legal. My bank account has also been getting rather low and I will have to work everyday of Thanksgiving break if I want to keep buying this stuff. I'm buying 1 gram of Salvia 60x and then maybe also an oz or so of weed. The only reason I'm saying all of this is because I will infact be buying it and wasting my life a little more.
I'm such a failure. This week has been a little strenuous. Just today there was another incident that made my heart stop. Me and a friend were coming outside to smoke and another guy we just met this year was outside. My friend was like "Hey guess what (My name) just did?" and the other guy says "Come out of the closet? hahah" and then I (after just 30mins after smoking salvia) kinda stood there and said "Ha, very funny" and then instantly died in my stance.
I can't take this shit anymore. I really can't do it. I've had to put up with this shit for 20 fucking years! I'm seriously on the verge of having another breakdown. I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times that if I have another mental breakdown it will be the end of my life as I know it. EVERYTHING will come crashing down and there will be no recovery. I'll end up in a mental ward like I've always feared. I'm dying on the inside, while my outside just grows more weary. I'm a psychiatrists christmas gift of fruitcake (no pun intended). Once they open me up they'll just send me on to the next recipient (shrink).....
I also didn't wake up on sunday until 7:30pm....after going to bed at 12:00am....that's 19.5 hours of sleep! That's practically and entire day of sleep. Not that it was bad sleep, but people might definitely notice that I'm sleeping more often than I should. I took four tylenol pms that night, not trying to OD or anything, but it was just a bad night that needed to be dealt with.
I feel like my life is slipping away. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Everything is just passing me by and there's nothing I can do about it. Oh wait that's called depression, like I haven't had that one before. I'm just tired. I can't find anyone to talk to in person without having to pay for it or have it go through insurance....am I asking too much to find one goddamn shrink that will offer to sit down and listen to me release my pandora's box of memories? Thanks Ahzur, I know you are trying to help me and I really do appreciate it.
I don't even know what to say anymore.
I failed to meet with the psychiatrist due to various reasons, some of which I am not to blame and some because I am to blame. I told my parents I had a haircut at 9am and that I would be back around 12pm because I was going to buy some clothes for the wedding later that day. All the while I was planning on meeting with the psychiatrist at 10am right after my haircut. Well that's not what happened. My mother wanted to come along and spend some time with me, because as she puts it: "I hardly get to see you, when you are away at school" so she was along for the ride. So basically I had to skip the appointment. I email the psychiatrist that night and explained what happened, and she agreed to meet with me the next day.
On sunday I was up and ready to go to the psychiatrist (telling my parents I was going to visit some people at my work) but they had to use both cars that day for church or something, while our other car was currently in the shop. So I had no way of getting there....once again I failed.
I emailed her again and explained that there is no way I will ever be able to meet with here, not now at least. I also felt a little sigh of relief though...subconsciously I knew I didn't want to go.
I have also been smoking a lot of Salvia the past few weeks. It's simply amazing. It's cheaper than pot and legal. My bank account has also been getting rather low and I will have to work everyday of Thanksgiving break if I want to keep buying this stuff. I'm buying 1 gram of Salvia 60x and then maybe also an oz or so of weed. The only reason I'm saying all of this is because I will infact be buying it and wasting my life a little more.
I'm such a failure. This week has been a little strenuous. Just today there was another incident that made my heart stop. Me and a friend were coming outside to smoke and another guy we just met this year was outside. My friend was like "Hey guess what (My name) just did?" and the other guy says "Come out of the closet? hahah" and then I (after just 30mins after smoking salvia) kinda stood there and said "Ha, very funny" and then instantly died in my stance.
I can't take this shit anymore. I really can't do it. I've had to put up with this shit for 20 fucking years! I'm seriously on the verge of having another breakdown. I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times that if I have another mental breakdown it will be the end of my life as I know it. EVERYTHING will come crashing down and there will be no recovery. I'll end up in a mental ward like I've always feared. I'm dying on the inside, while my outside just grows more weary. I'm a psychiatrists christmas gift of fruitcake (no pun intended). Once they open me up they'll just send me on to the next recipient (shrink).....
I also didn't wake up on sunday until 7:30pm....after going to bed at 12:00am....that's 19.5 hours of sleep! That's practically and entire day of sleep. Not that it was bad sleep, but people might definitely notice that I'm sleeping more often than I should. I took four tylenol pms that night, not trying to OD or anything, but it was just a bad night that needed to be dealt with.
I feel like my life is slipping away. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Everything is just passing me by and there's nothing I can do about it. Oh wait that's called depression, like I haven't had that one before. I'm just tired. I can't find anyone to talk to in person without having to pay for it or have it go through insurance....am I asking too much to find one goddamn shrink that will offer to sit down and listen to me release my pandora's box of memories? Thanks Ahzur, I know you are trying to help me and I really do appreciate it.
I don't even know what to say anymore.
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