I'm also becoming more and more despondent from those around me. I can't handle being in crowded areas anymore...like malls, theaters, stores...I find myself getting those cold chill spasms up my back and then I sweat. This is nothing new, but it's progressed worse this year. I'm getting paranoid and suspicious that everyone I walk past is talking about me. Everytime someone laughs or says something going past me I have an overwhelming fear they are saying something terrible about me. Even in my daily life, when I leave a group of people I was talking with I always fear they are talking about me behind my back. I've come to expect this after years of torturous hell in highschool. Way back then I used to get so nervous in a particular class, because I was surrounded by my tormentors, that I used to have dizzy spells and almost black out. I eventually had a nervous breakdown and had to meet with a psychiatrist, but I lied to her about everything and faked the recovery just so I could move past everything. I can't do this alone anymore...I haven't really thought about suicide, but more of what non-existence would be like. Not having to deal with some imaginary hell that I might be condemned to, but rather suddenly no longer being burdened with thought. To simply stop existing.

I know I should seek professional help again, but I can't let anyone in my family know. I can't use insurrance because that would leave a trail...especially later down the road in my career. I need someone to talk to, but I can't tell any of my friends. The secrets I hold are enough to bring my entire life to nothingness....

I can't tell you what it's like to be the rat lost in the maze, that the rat created....