A single chance to redeem myself for everything...

I've often asked myself this question...

This is how it would work.  If it was possible to transport my entire mindset (all thoughts and processes) back in time to when I was six years old, the first thing I would do would be to warn my parents about the Thyroid Disorder. Either them or my childhood doctor. Secondly I would tell my parents to remove me from the Christian Academy and place me into Public School. I don't know how I would do this, but it's always been part of my dream. The entire purpose of this would be to change my future, not necessarily everyone else's. Of course there would be people I'd never of met, and things I'd never have done...but it'd be much worth it.

Now assuming that I have changed my fate enough, presumably I wouldn't have to worry about the oncoming years of weight gain, psychological and physical damage. Hopefully I would have turned out better. I wouldn't have to worry about the whole homosexuality thing, assuming by warning my parents early about the whole Thyroid and Hormone thing, it would have been corrected early on. I would have lived a normal childhood and developed normally through puberty. I'd look nicer, be healthier, have a healthy psyche. I'd be a star soccer player and have a girlfriend...

I'm sure this seems sick and demented that I have planned out an alternate life, but it sure beats all the hell I've been through....It's also a little pathetic. I don't care. I don't see myself living a better life....Compared to what I'm living now the description above sounds like an entirely different person.

I'm a drug addict. Gay. Lonely. Ugly. Pathological Liar. Atheist. Fat. Sick son of a bitch. Pretty much everything above isn't. I often fantasize about how my life could have been different. How one little thing could change everything. Would I give up everything I have now to have that life? Yes. The answer is yes; yes yes yes.

I don't want to die, I just don't want to exist anymore.