A single chance to redeem myself for everything...

I know I have a drug problem.

The more I think about it, I know it's only causing me more harm in the long run, but in the meantime it's the only solace I have anymore. Sleeping pills, alcohol, pot, percocet, whatever I can find...so long as I can dream when I sleep. Dreaming is the only time I feel right anymore. I know this quote is overused all the time: "The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had" but it fits my life so perfectly. I could honestly sleep an entire day away. I've slept entire weekends away before...

I live such a fragile existence. My life is like a bubble precariously perched on the point of a needle. It's ready to break, but for some damn reason it maintains it's balance, if that's what you can call it. Some sort of balance through chaos. It's all going to come crashing down real soon...everyday feels like it could be the breaking-point. Everything bottled up inside is reaching the top and I'm sure I'll have another nervous breakdown...and this time there is no recovering. It would literally be the end of my life as I know it.

I want to meet with a psychiatric counselor and just spill everything...just let everything out of the box like pandora, minus the hope.  Everyday it's a little bit harder to breathe....I want to check into rehab, but everyone will know about it. Then everything else will escape and my little bit of life that keeps me going will be crushed.

I'm in tears right now. I've been avoiding people all week, because it's been rather stressful...and I've finally managed to find time and lock myself in my room and cry into a pillow until it's soaked. I can't carry on anymore.

I can't even kill myself, because I know that everyone will talk about me even after I'm dead.  How horrible is that?? I've already smoked a roll and taken some sleeping pills. I'll forget about this in the morning.