A single chance to redeem myself for everything...

I asked myself the other day, if I were to die right now, who would come to my funeral? Who wouldn't come to my funeral? What would they say about me? Would they be angry? Would they remember me with love and compassion, or would they curse me for leaving? Would they miss me?

I can't even answer these questions, without really asking myself, why haven't I just killed myself already? I've got nothing to lose, nothing to really regret. Nothing could be worse than the hell I'm already living in. Surely, death would be a sweet release from this prescribed nonsense. But I can't. I've definitely lived past my expiration date. I have no future, no past. Just another human being wasting space. What am I doing here? I can tell you what I'm doing, I'm wasting my life tormented by memories from the past, dulling the pain away with drugs, and sinking further and further into depression and anxiety. My own personal cocktail of emotions. I only wish I had something sweeter to mix it with.