A single chance to redeem myself for everything...

I can finally add something new to my repertoire of drug usage. It's called Salvia Divinorum...

I just bought about 1oz of Salvia Divinorum Leaf on eBay today...I don't know why either. It's legal in the US and Most other countries, but it's slowly being banned from certain regions. Supposedly it's like LSD and the countless youtube videos have proven that it's well worth the buy. I got mine for only $10....I feel like shit now.

I have been trying in vain to find psychiatric help in my region that will allow me to pay out of pocket. Most will only accept checks or insurance. I cannot leave a paper trail that I am seeing a psychiatrist. Let me just tell you what happened with my last therapist.

When my parents found out that I was gay/bicurious they utterly freaked on me. They cried a lot and blamed themselves as parents and that I was sinning and it was all because we didn't go to church enough. I pretty much spilled the beans on what had happened to me for the past 17 years of my life, and all the teasing and harassment that happened all throughout my life (especially in highschool) and they made me see a christian psychiatrist who basically told me that God had plans for me and that I needed to get back on his track....basically telling me that everything was in fact my fault and I brought this all on myself. Well that didn't fly and I made them take me to a psychiatrist that I wanted....

I basically was forced to attend Youth Group every wednesday and Church every sunday for a year and a half...They found me a psychiatrist that we all agreed upon..I attended weekly sessions and pretty much lied every session and faked the progress. All I wanted...All I fucking wanted was for everything to get swept under the carpet and blow over. Now it's mostly a "never bring it up again" kinda topic in our house...And it's been cleverly stated almost a million times that it's time I found a girlfriend, or "when are you going to find a girlfriend, you're not gay right? (said in a very awkward tone)" then I just grin and bear it and say things like "I just haven't found the right girl yet"....

Then my mother (supposed good person christian type) says things like "That rosie o Donnel dyke" or "that guy at the hair salon is a faggot"....then I basically die right there in my soul and physically shrug it off and laugh while dying internally.

This is why they can never EVER learn about everything....My life is EXTREMELY fragile and I can't cope with them finding out....I'd simply kill myself. I've talked about it before and said it multiple times to myself. If they ever find out...if they ever confront me about it again like the first time "kill yourself...just OD with sleeping pills and die in your dreams" that's the only time I'm ever really safe/comfortable is when I'm dreaming.

I've taken sleeping pills and multiple shots of rum, smoked marijuana till I passed out, taken percocets two at a time...ambien-cr pills enough to tranquilize a moose, smoked an entire box of cigarettes in one day...and now sometime early next week I will be trying Salvia.....I'm almost certain it will be more comforting than any of the above. I don't even know what to say...nothing I say will justify it's use, but I'm going to use it regardless.

I can't afford professional help...but I can certainly afford drugs.