Elementary school and middle school was hell enough with constant taunting and teasing. The added fact that I was obese and self-consciously timid didn't really help.

I am constantly plagued with recurrent memories of things that from the past. I call them hauntings; my own personal demons. I remember in the fourth grade we would have to line up in the gym in our appropriate grade lines before school started. There was a particular sixth grader who seemed to like bullying me named "J." He once forced me to carry a medicine ball atop a basketball and walk around the gym while he called me "fatty". Unfortunately there were no teachers in the gym at this time because it was so early in the morning. My mother had to work and usually dropped me off on her way to work. His mother was a teacher at the school and he got away with anything. How lucky of me. Normally I could make it around without dropping it, but if I did drop one he would make me start over again. I hated him. I hated him deeply. I often fantasized about hurting him and it got to the point where I could make up entire stories in my head of what would happend if I just picked up a baseball bat and slugged him right in the face. Meanwhile I'm only in the fourth grade. These are not appropriate thoughts for a fourth grader, but these were not ordinary circumstances.

I remember another time in the third grade where I was wearing a cowboy hat for some class event and these two other kids in my class threw a hacky sack right into my back because I wouldn't take it off. They kept on doing it until I finally gave in and took it off. I never told the teacher. Third grade was also the time I learned that the kid in class who has the most interesting toy becomes the most popular during snack time. Oh how I tried to bring things from home to impress them. Somedays it worked and others it didn't. On the days it did work I had other to sit by during lunch, and other days I had none. It was like this for a while until about sixth grade when I started to slim down a little because of my medictions correcting my hormone balance.

I still can't say I've ever had a best friend in my entire life. I've had friends and social aquantices but I've never let anyone get close enough for me to confide in them. The friends I have I love to death and I don't want to hurt them by admitting anything. I have absolutely no one to confide in not even family. Only my mind and even that's a terrible place to keep things. I don't see how I can live my life and keep the friends I have now for the rest of my life. I've often worried if it will ever boil down to the point where I will have to just pick up and leave everything behind and start a new life and not leave a trail for someone to follow. I don't want it to come to that but it's always looming.

I've never had a hero either. I used to think jesus would forgive me and I tried to follow him, but when my grandmother died I lost a very special person to me. I hated god and began to question everything about god and christianity. He never once helped me in my time of need and I would never forgive him for that. Deep down inside I still think he exists but I would rather choose an eternity of damnation because it will never be as horrible as the life I live now. Physical pain has nothing on emotional pain and psychological torment.

Middle school was hell for me growing up. Nothing ever changed as time went out. Neither did the tormenting. I can remember back to the eigth grade when this kid I knew my entire life began to squirt spit from his teeth onto the back of my neck all during algebra class. He did it just because he knew it annoyed me. I was always taught that if you let them know it bothers you they will do it more. That's a load of fucking bullshit. They will do it more and more until they get a rise out of you and they will most certainly never stop. When graduation came around I was never more thankful to be out of that place. But now there was another mountain for me to climb; Highschool.

A time I will never forget.