A single chance to redeem myself for everything...

I don't even know what I'm living for anymore. I guess a small part of me still wants to live, but for what reason? There's always something stopping me from just doing it. Maybe, I that small glimmer of hope that says "You can get better. There's always another way." or perhaps I actually like things the way they are. Maybe I enjoy living in self-pitty, in delusions, in scum, in a wretched world. I am filth.

I'm only happy when I'm high or dreaming. I can't be awake more than 8 hours in a day anymore, because all the bad memories begin to take control. At least when I'm sleeping I can think of pleasant thoughts. That's about the only time I'm not debating on taking another pill or rolling another joint. I've thought about finding a psychiatrist, but even if I do, I know what they'll want me to do. They'll want me to tell my family and friends about everything. I'd rather just die in a car accident or die in my sleep, anything instead of admitting to everyone that everything I am and ever was...was a lie. It would bring my whole world down. Then where would I be?

In the mental institute that I've always envisioned I'd end up in....even since I was 12 I knew that's where I'd be. I even had nightmares about it. I guess that same part of me knew it would happen some day. Just when is up to me. I can't let everyone know I'm a failure. I know I'm a failure, but I'll be damned if I'll let it become a truthful realization to everyone else around me.

I've already taken three tylenol pms about 20 minutes ago. I won't remember this post in the morning. Thank god.