I had a situation the other day and I have pretty much locked myself into a dark zone.

I KNOW people still talk about me behind my back and everytime I think about it my mind plays tricks on me and torments me relentlesly; almost to the point where I can get sick and dizzy. I can feel my body getting tense and I start to see darkness.

The problem is this: Everyone asks people I talk to if I'm gay. And then those people say "maybe" or "you should ask him" and then when I get confronted with the question I automatically deny it. Then I KNOW they are thinking "Oh he's just in the closet or something"....After I say no I'm not gay I have a terrible sense that they don't believe it and I pretty much feel like crawling up into the fetal position and dying. I also have the fear that people are calling me gay or a queer or fag behind my back. Just thinking about all this now is enough to make me sweat and get nervous.

This just happened a day ago, during the first few days of being back on campus. What a wonderful way to start my juniour year of college. After the conversation died rather awkwardly I said I was going outside to smoke and then just never came back, which I'm sure confirmed my awkwardness to the question and now everyone probably knows it's true or something...I cried myself to sleep that night.

I've also been doing a lot of smoking lately and taking three tylenol pms at night. I know I have an addiction to many things, but I can't break away from them. Not at this time in my life. I just want to crawl up into the fetal position and die....