There have been numerous times in my life when I allowed envy and greed to cloud my mind. I wanted things to be different. I needed things to be different, but so much wishing and wanting ultimately changed me.

When I looked at all the other guys around me I noticed many things where different. For one thing I was obese and they were not. They looked nice and I did not. They had friends and I had none...well a few people were nice to me but that was the basically the extent to that. I didn't look like a normal young boy ever. Perhaps when I was young I looked normal and handsome but after years and years of not being on medications to treat the hypothyroidism my body started to change drastically both physically and mentally. I had to make up lies to make myself feel better. To make myself seem better than it really was. If I couldn't look better I was certainly going to appear better.

I guess after years of not hanging out with any male peers I began to acquire an effeminate attitude towards many things. I could easily make female friends with my peers but I still wasn't really "one of the guys." I remember numerous times not being invited to guys birthday parties in my class. All of them would talk about it and I would over hear it and just think how great it would be to be like them. I never really celebrated my birthdays much other than with family.

When I was in the seventh grade there was another guy who used to bully me because I rode the same bus as him. He basically made me hate the fact that we moved. This is still the christian school that I attended since preschool all the way until eight grade. One morning it was around 8:20 or something and he starts to call me gay. I lead a very sheltered life and didn't really know what it meant. As far as I knew at the time I thought me meant I liked to be girly. And I didn't. I didn't like the thought of being girly. All I ever wanted was to be like the other guys. To look just like them. He tormented me for the entire year until he graduated. The last words he ever said to me was "I'm going to make your life miserable in highschool". This eventually came true, but I wasn't particualry worried just yet. He constantly called me fag and queer. I didn't know what they meant but I didn't like it.

I began to think about this whole being gay thing. I had already started puberty and the fact that I had a hormone disease things were haywire enough. I didn't need this shit to start confusing me. I looked up on the internet what "gay" was and instantly I was shocked and scared. I'd never seen anything like that in my life and I cried myself to sleep that night. I faked being sick the next morning just so I wouldn't have to go to school and see him that day. I went back and looked up images of gay guys and all I could think was that just isn't me. It can't be. Look them. They are skinny, handsome, they have nice bodies. That's certainly not me. But I secretly wanted to look like them. I wanted to be them, but I didn't want to be gay. I had a crush on a girl but there was no way she would ever like me back. I began to look into this gay thing. I started to become addicted to looking up these images and after awhile I felt some sort of attracting, but not sexual at first. I imagined that I looked like them and I was popular with all the other guys like me. I became so disillusioned that I actually wanted to be gay if it meant I could someday look like this.

This continued for a long time. I wanted to be healthy and slim so badly. This kid constantly told me I was gay but I couldn't make the connection. I just didn't know. But according to everyone at my middle school and church that was a sin and I was going to hell. I couldn't understand that if someone destined me to be this way why I would be punished for it later. So I turned away from god and church and began to develop my own thinking and rationalizations.

By the time I was thirteen I pretty much new I was gay or at least bisexual. I never let anyone know. I was too afraid what they would say about me. I never dared tell my parents about it otherwise I'd be beaten and I was just so scared that I was constantly afraid someone knew and would say something about it. I still feel that way. Maybe everyone knows but they just don't say anything...they know I'm lying about it but they know I'm just not comfortable admitting it. I get uneasy when the topic comes up. I'm still living that lie that maybe I'm straight, but I do have attractions to a nice looking guy. I just don't know anymore...

I think i've opened myself a lot tonight and gotten a lot of my chest. I feel a little better but I'm not done yet.