Religion has always been a sore topic for me. I know far too well what happens when a church community even suspects that you have an alternative sexual orientation. It only leads to widespread secrets and shame.

I've experienced embarassment far beyond most people have in their entire life. I've denied myself before youth pastors and members, family members and friends...I've denied who I am. I cannot find solice in a religion that harbors hatred towards homosexuals/bisexuals and all that fall under those catagories. I don't feel safe knowing that everyone around me secretly hates me for reasons beyond my control. I tried to change who I was, but I was only causing more harm. I know what they said about me behind my back, but I chose to ignore it and hope that things would pass over. Unfortunately it never did. It only grew and grew until I almost killed myself.

I was attending a youth group one night, at the request of my parents. They felt that I should attend these weekly services. They began to form a prayer circle. I was left with no choice but to become part of the circle. They began to pray about things like saving loved ones and asking if anyone wanted to convert. Then the topic moved to gays/lesbians. I KNEW someone must have said something to the youth pastor, I KNEW someone was spreading rumours about me, I KNEW the words coming out of his mouth were directed towards me and my heart couldn't have stopped any faster. The whole room blackened and I immediately started to get a dizzy spell. I was going to pass out or throwup. The following words came from his mouth "If there is anyone here tonight, anyone who is gay or lesbian, let them step forward and give their selves to our father that they might turn from their destructive path and give up their burden and be saved, let them step forward and we will pray for them"

I couldn't have been more frightened and stunned. I wanted to run from the room and die in the shadows, but I KNEW that if I moved so much as a muscle or flinched, they would spot me or watch me...I stopped all movement and felt like dying right then and there...to this day I don't know how I managed to survive that moment in my life...It's one of those memories that constantly haunts me to the point where I feel sick inside.

I know I have a lot of problems, but conspiring behind my back is not one of the ways to solve them. I cannot trust them...I cannot trust a god that despises me as a sin...

I just can't......