A single chance to redeem myself for everything...

I leave tomorrow. I have to take the train at 7am to the Nuremberg Train station and then from there I have to take the Subway all the way to the Airport. Hopefully I can manage all my luggage by myself. I've got two huge suitcases filled, a red duffel bag, and then my laptop case with laptop and books. That's a lot for one person, too much in fact.

I'm really nervous, because I know that even though I'm going home, I'm still not comfortable. There's going to be so much explaining and crying and anger and just all sorts of things that I don't want to deal with. Basically why I kept all this to myself for 12 years.

Well I'm off to bed. I have to get up really early. My tandem partner's picking me up at 6:30 then taking me to the train station. Good night.

The movie "What Dreams May Come" has always placed that notion in my head...

The part when the wife has lost her husband, and both her kids to car accidents, so she kills herself and goes to hell. But no traditional hell..her own personal hell. She committed suicide, and suicides are destined to live over their torment over and over and they will never know what happened. I can't help but feel that's me. My whole life has been filled with deja-vu and odd coincidences that have lead me to think this. I know it sounds crazy and maybe it is, but I just can't help but think this way.

What if I am already in hell? What if I'm living over my life the same way until the moment I die? I'd say it's a fitting punishment, but what did I do? Don't I get some chance at redemption?

There are signs, "omens", if you want to call them that have been literally driving me insane. I have constant thoughts and memories of things that I haven't done yet, but I end up doing them. When I was 10 or so, I used to have thoughts that I'd end up in seeing a psychiatrist, and sure enough it happened. I remember a time when I thought I was going to end up in a psychiatric ward and sure enough, when I get home that's where my doctor wants to send me. There have been other strange things like the deja-vu that bother me. It happens frequently. Something will spark a thought "have I done this before? It seems too familiar for it to be happening again. I swear this has happened before."

And it never ends. I really think I'm losing my mind. And I don't think it's something new. I'm pretty sure I've been losing myself for a long time now...

I'm scheduled to leave here may 28th. So that leaves me this whole week to get everything closed down. But I'm living in a filthy apartment. There's old food and bottles scattered everywhere. I haven't washed clothes in over a month. I haven't showered in a week or so now. And there's so much to do before I can leave. I don't even know how I can leave...but that's all I care about it is just leaving everything behind and going home. I slept all day today, because I was up all night worrying about how I was going to get this all done.

I still have to close my internet contract
close both bank accounts
de-register at the university
de-register at the local Rathaus
close apartment contract and move out.

The problem with the day I leave is as follows:

Flight leaves at 10am.
Must leave Bamberg by train by at least 7am to get to Nuremberg by 8am for check-in.
Which means I have to return my key to the Hausmeister exactly at 6am-6:15am. Which I don't even know if he's going to be willing to do that. So of course I'm worried now that I'll miss my flight back home and be stranded here. I don't even know how to get from my apartment to the trainstation...I suppose I could call a taxi or something, but I'm just not confident enough.

So much more pressure to add to the pressure already...I'm just feeling hopeless again. My doctor finally replied to my email and now he's worried about about my life right now. My family found out I suppose about the whole wrist-cutting from the doctor so now they're worried.

There's just so much to do, and not enough will-power to do it all.

So I cut my wrist today. I don't feel like getting into it right now. I've already felt guilty about it all day today.

I sent an email to my parents asking if I can come home, but I haven't told them anything else though. I'm thinking about emailing my family doctor and telling him what I did, so that when I come home he can direct me to where I need to go. I want to go to a psychiatric hospital until I can get myself in a stable mindset. I'm still in Germany, so this will all have to wait until I can manage to get everything prepared on this end.

I'm debating on going to class tomorrow. I don't want to wear a patch on my wrist and I don't want people to see it and ask me anything, besides it's too hot to wear a long sleeve shirt.

I'm thinking about admitting myself to a mental health hospital. I think it would just be best that I admit myself and not tell anyone where I am until I'm ready to deal with things.




I just need to find one.